My Car Belongs to the Lord??!!?? - Mishap #2

When I went home for Thanksgiving 1990, I purchased a 1991 Honda Civic, not an expensive car, but one I was completely glad to have. Kate asked permission to drive the car after I�d had it only three days. After some discipling from Sheila and Amy, and not wanting to �have a bad heart� about it, I gave permission -- though with misgivings. Kate promptly took the car out and had a wreck in the parking lot at South Square Mall.

The damage was approximately $500 worth. My deductible was $200. Unfortunately, I did not even have $200 -� I rarely had much money left over giving my required tithe to the ICoC and paying my living expenses on a secretary's salary. Therefore, I drove around for a couple of years with a dent in the car's right front quarter panel, which got rusty and ugly.

Then, and this seems like sort of a back-handed miracle because I had been praying for some weeks prior to this event about what I should do with my car, a woman hit me in the Wal-Mart parking lot in northern Durham, on the same side of my car where the prior damage (still!) was, and caused about $3,000 worth of damage. This was my first "personal" automobile accident EVER. I never even saw her coming, and every witness stated that the accident was the other driver�s fault. The other driver was a woman accompanied by her three-year-old son, and thankfully, they were not hurt -- she had been accosted in the parking lot by a panhandler and, frightened, was speeding across the painted lines of the parking lot in order to get away from the panhandler. As we talked, I found out they lived in the same condominium development as I did -- I thought the whole situation had to be A SIGN FROM GOD THAT SHE WOULD BECOME A DISCIPLE !!! ;-> I drove the woman and her three-year-old son home in my barely-functional car -� and of course I invited them to come out and visit the ICoC! But they never came.

Campus Ministry

Since I was a "single" in the ICoC, I freely admit that this section is rather "second-hand," drawn from my own observations as well as my conversations with friends in the ICoC who were in college at the time.

In a location like the Triangle, with schools such as Duke, UNC-Chapel Hill, NC State, and NC Central nearby, you would correctly assume that leadership's recruitment efforts are heavily focused on the college campuses. Students were encouraged to keep their grades up (easier said than done, considering the amount of scheduled ICoC activities, all of which had to be attended, or else), present a �sharp� image, and recruit like mad. It's a problem when you are pressured to recruit and attend services and activities at the expense of things like homework and sleep.

A paradox exists. With the number of activities that were always scheduled for the college students (activities that lasted well into the evening because if you didn�t stay for �fellowship,� people would start questioning your commitment), there never WAS much time for homework, sleep, etc. I honestly don't know how they did it.

Students were heavily encouraged to recruit their friends; if rides were not immediately available or college students� cars were full, both singles and married couples were expected to provide rides if asked, even on short notice. If picking someone up was inconvenient for you and you refused, you were suddenly known to have �a heart problem.�

College students always received a great deal of "advice" at holiday time regarding how to deal with family and friends back home regarding the ICoC. You were to avoid going home alone if at all possible, because your parents and friends, being the evil and sneaky people they were, and because they didn't understand "the Kingdom," might kidnap you and have you "deprogrammed" -- I have sat in mid-week services where this subject was discussed at some length. In my opinion, this irrational fear of harm at the hands of your loved ones is purposefully cultivated in ICoC members, especially college students. Even as a single in my late 20's/early 30's, I was always "encouraged" to take people with me when I went home (4 hours away) for a holiday, and sometimes I did. My family HATED that -- they had little enough time with me as it was, and they wanted to see ME -- not the strangers I brought home with me.

Singles Ministry: A Women's Commune Would Be More Fun...Really!!!

Since I was a part of an ICoC singles ministry, I feel more qualified to make comments about it than I do the college ministry.

Our singles ministry at the time (which, considering the heavy college concentration in the area, tended to be somewhat ignored by leadership unless a lot of "sin" was revealed), consisted mainly of a number of post-collegiate or non-collegiate working men and women between the ages of 18 and 40. There were fewer single men than single women, and in general, the single men tended to be not as educated or motivated as the single sisters. I don't mean this as a "slam" -- it was just a fact at the time.

Dating In the ICoC (a.k.a., "I Could Have More Fun and Make a Profit to Boot If I Left the ICoC to Raise Nubian Goats in North Dakota)

ICoC dating is a strange experience. To them, dating is for "encouragement" only, unless your leaders give permission for you to have a romantic intereest in a person of the opposite sex. (Same-sex romantic relationships are interdicted in the ICoC). In in the ICoC, I think dating is just an activity which keeps single people from leaving the ICoC for lack of dates.

ICoC members don't go on dates without sharing the information with his/her discipler, and no one dated another person exclusively without the approval of both disciplers. Group dates were encouraged; one-on-one dates, if not specifically forbidden, were certainly frowned upon. ICoC members do not date non-members -- period. Since anyone outside the ICoC is considered "lost," [even professing Christians outside the ICoC are considered "lost"] such an association is, to them, "being yoked with an unbeliever." The scripture they use to justify this is II Corinthians 6:14. The flaw here, from a "Christian" perspective, is not in the statement about "unequally yoked" -- but with the ICOC's interpretation of who is an "unbeliever."

Steady dating between persons not considered to be on the same spiritual level with each other was strongly discouraged. Many a match in the ICoC is made by leaders between people who had absolutely no initial attraction to each other before it was "suggested" that they develop some interest in that direction. I don't think it would be exaggerating to say that everyone in the ICoC is acquainted with a number of couples who were "hand-picked" for each other by the leaders. Some of these setups seemed like really odd matches, in my opinion.

I never "steady-dated" in the ICoC -- I guess I just wasn't considered a viable option. (I guess people generally think I'm attractive, but I do have a sharp tongue sometimes!) And since I was often "struggling" about something, I wasn't considered spiritual enough to date, I suppose. Anyhow, here are a couple of notable examples of dates (or lack thereof)....

An Abortive Attempt to Have a Great Date...

"Dane" (pseudonym) a single "brother" who drove into the area for services and activities though he lived in a city about an hour away where there was no ICoC "church," asked me to attend a folkloric ballet that was being put on by a traveling company from South America. I was thrilled to be participating in some cultural entertainment, as well as looking forward to his company for the evening! He asked me three weeks prior to the event, but a devotional was suddenly scheduled on short notice by the leaders and the brother called me to cancel our plans (this was several days prior to the ballet). Waaah! I tried gently to argue that our plans, which had been made relatively far in advance, should take precedence. In the end, however, all I could do was express my great disappointment to the "brother" and that was the end of it. You can�t argue or try to be the voice of reason without seeming like you have "A Bad Heart." My housemates and discipler didn't hesitate to tell me that I must have needed the devo more than the date, since I was obviously "struggling" over the sudden turn of events - darn right! Was I ever mad about that!

Funny to look back on it now, as I'm going to marry my soul-mate, who's also an ex-member, this year (1999). :-)

One Very Successful Date...

To be fair, I did have a great date with "Daniel" (pseudonym). Daniel's wife had left the ICoC and she had divorced him. He had three children whom he saw every so often, and I believe he was a loving and caring father to his kids. Daniel agreed to accompany me to my company�s Christmas party in 1992, which was held at the Sheraton Imperial in the RTP (a very nice hotel). Well, the party was fantastic -- or, perhaps it had just been such a long time since I'd had any fun! We just acted like "normal people" for one evening, and Daniel and I "vibed" wonderfully together. I informed him that I planned to drink a beer or two at the party, and he had no problem with that. He didn�t drink any alcohol himself, but it was cool with me if he didn�t want to.

ARRRRRRGHHHH!!! THE DREADED "DATING DEVO!!!

Sex in the Kingdom

While I don't disagree that promiscuous behavior can be both physically and emotionally damaging, I DO disagree with the manipulations involved here by leadership.

Consider the following events which occurred at the ICoC "church" in my town. If not confessed publicly, things like this always managed to get around. Sure, a lot of religious people would say gossip is a sin -- but in the ICoC, gossip isn't really considered "gossip" if you disguise the telling by affecting an air of "godly concern" about the guilty party.

-- A married leader was dismissed from his position, due in no small part to (as I understand it) his sexual dalliance with a single sister. The sister, who later left the ICoC, wasn't generally considered to be spiritually "weak," either.

-- A married leader was arrested on charges of indecent exposure, under circumstances which could not have been misconstrued. (This person "confessed" to the whole congregation... but why? After all, he didn't "sin" against the whole congregation...)

-- A "sharp" married brother was revealed to be "struggling with homosexuality." Everyone made such a big deal about how his reunion with his wife (from whom he had separated for a time to, apparently, "deal with his sin") was going to be "better than their wedding night."

-- Several brothers were discovered to be guilty of child sexual abuse.

-- Extramarital affairs and "fornication" (as it's called when singles do it) in the congregation at large were certainly not unheard-of.

I gave these details because I don't want you, the ICoC member who may be reading this, to just blow me off as a disgruntled person making things up. All these things, and more, really happened. I'm not naming names because my goal is not to embarrass these individuals publicly -- only to show that "sin" exists in the ICoC same as in other churches, all of whom people in the ICoC criticize and judge to be lost" because other churches supposedly don't "deal with their sin." If I thought that giving you a name to back up these allegations would help you to see the true nature of the ICoC, I would gladly do so.

To get a little tangental for a moment -- if you are an ICoC member reading this, ask yourself this question: Have you let "sin" that you saw a leader commit pass without challenging it, because you felt you weren't "spiritual" enough to do it? Have you ever "looked the other way" because you were afraid to confront a leader, even though you knew that it was the "righteous" thing to do?

Ok, back to the subject: you should know that you will be "encouraged," and indeed, expected, confess things that are quite embarrassing. And no one will believe you if you are single and you say that you are like the apostle Paul in that you don't "struggle with lust." 'Nuff said on THAT subject! ;->~

Marriage

NO ONE gets married in the ICoC unless leadership approves the match. If you weren�t considered to be a spiritually strong person, you had no chance of making it to the altar. When I was an ICoC member, we weren't even allowed to date the same person two weekends in a row, because that was "Going Steady" and you could not date someone steadily without getting "advice" (i.e., permission).

Racial Issues

Money REALLY Matters

Tithes Washed in Guilt

Everyone gives at least 10% of their gross pay to the ICoC. This is not optional, and the ICoC uses Old Testament scripture to justify the practice. (Why do they insist on living by "the Law" when Christ came to bring us grace?)

Before we began meeting in "discipleship groups" ("d-groups") to give our contributions, all members were required to pay by check -- cash couldn't be tracked, which meant that you couldn't be "held accountable" for what you were giving. Later, we were required to meet in d-groups to give our contributions; d-groups would typically take place after mid-week service (at one point, we were told that we should not bring "new" visitors to mid-week services... maybe it was thought that seeing a d-group might scare a "new" visitor off...?). At any rate, if you couldn�t come up with your contribution for a particular week, it was known to all members of your d-group. The group or an individual would dig deep and made sure the ICoC got its money that week. You were then "discipled" by the group about not giving. Guilt and embarrassment factored heavily into these sessions.

Several financial devotional meetings were held to stress the importance of the ICoC getting its money for the week or for Special Contribution. Again, nothing intrinsically wrong with that -- many Christians believe a 10% tithe or a special offering is the right thing to do under appropriate circumstances. But no one should be coerced or compelled to do this -- but coercion and compulsion are, unfortunately, standard operating procedure in the ICoC.

Tithes and offerings are never private and are understood to be mandatory. If you're a member, test the theory out for yourself: reduce or skip your contribution for a week or two and see what happens. Leaders make sure that every member understand that their tithe should be based on gross pay, not net pay.

Special Contributions

Each time Special Contribution time comes up, it's stated that they are to fund a particular mission team overseas or some other type of charitable work originated by the ICoC. There are those who are now beginning look at the expensive homes and autos being acquired by ICoC evangelists and other staff members and have begun to question whether this money is actually being used for its stated purpose.

At any rate, you pledged an amount of money that would be difficult to come by (at ICoC-Triangle, I recall us being asked for 7, 10, or 15 times our weekly salary -- we had several Special Contributions while I was in the ICoC, and each time they asked for a higher percentage of our gross salary). You are TOLD to "trust God" to make it happen; but then YOU are expected to DO whatever it takes to get that money in the house. Car washes, bake sales, walk-for-pledges, etc. -- people were encouraged to sell things that belonged to them, and people who sold wedding/engagement rings, family heirlooms, etc. were often praised publically, and in what I felt was a guilt-inducing way, for being "sacrificial."

Again, there is nothing wrong with people "giving" -- the problem with the ICoC is that financial giving is monitored, coerced, compelled, and otherwise handled in a way that is totally contrary to the clear directions given to Christians in the New Testament by the Apostle Paul. As Christians, we are not required to live by Old Testament Law, as the Apostle Paul very succinctly explains in the New Testament book of Galatians. In that book Paul more specifically tells us that if we live by Old Testament Law in one area, we are compelled to do so in all areas - yet, for example, I do not see the ICoC requiring mandatory circumcision for all males! (The circumcision requirement is part of OT Law, and Paul also mentions this specifically). Paul's point in writing the book of Galatians is to highlight the ungratefulness and pathetic fruitlessness we display for Christ's sacrifice if we are trying to live by OT Law (a.k.a, "the Old Covenant"). By its very nature, OT Law excludes the concept of "freedom in Christ."

If the ICoC is truly the one and only "Kingdom of God," and if it is truly "The One True Church," why are the ICoC's leaders teaching and expecting its members to carry the heavy burden of adhering to Old Testament Law??? The area of financial giving is only one of the more grievous examples of how the ICoC yokes people into its system of spiritual bondage.